When I was a lad, we sometimes played a game called “20 questions.” I’m not sure if the game still exists—the generation coming of age seems far from inquisitive, and I’m being charitable.
But we’re going to play a hybrid version of that game anyway. Here are 20 questions and propositions you might discuss with your friends (or your psychiatrist or priest) that you would never dream of answering honestly with a pollster in person or over the phone.
1. Not to be crude (and I think women discuss this with each other far more than men) but, are you “the master of your own domain”?
4. How does kneeling during the national anthem help fight “perceived” racism or inequality in any way? It’s incredibly annoying to try to enjoy a game or a television show and have to sit through a lecture or a sermon.
5. Do you know who Chrissy Teigen is? What exactly does she do? Oh, she’s a model. Really? Could John Legend not have done better? Can you name a John Legend song? Maybe he couldn’t have done better.
6. Why is black-on-black crime so high? Why does almost every “protest” end in looting and arson? Why would you loot a 99 Cent Store? Note to Black Lives Matter: the art of negotiation is to threaten first, burn and loot second. Just a friendly suggestion.
7. There used to be a PSA on the local nightly news: “It’s 10 p.m. Do you know where your children are?” Well . . . do you?
8. Are the “defund the police” people serious? Why are more arrests not happening? When did breaking and entering become a non-punishable crime?
9. Joe Biden has dementia. My aunt and uncle showed similar signs. If Biden can’t leave his basement to campaign, then how can he meet world leaders? Does he still realize there is a world? Or leaders?
10. At some point, we are going to have to deal with herd immunity. Let the people at risk stay in, and the rest of us get back to our damn jobs and some semblance of a life. Isn’t it “our body, our choice”?
11. I’m thinking about buying a gun. If the cops aren’t allowed to protect my family, then I will. When the stores run out of merchandise, sadly, our homes will probably be next.
12. So, you can protest, riot and loot, but I can’t go to a 12-step meeting, a place of worship, or a gym? Why are grocery stores a supposed sanctuary from the virus?
13. Why do people wear masks while they are alone in their cars?
14. Why are we supposed to trust Anthony Fauci, a man who was wrong about every element of the AIDS virus—from how it spreads and among which demographic groups to the likelihood of a vaccine 25 years ago—and who has repeatedly contradicted himself about the coronavirus? He’s not even a broken clock.
15. How is it “science” to say that if a man thinks he is a woman, then he is a woman? Doesn’t that deny biological reality? Apparently, we’re supposed to “believe in science,” but not biology. Would you encourage an anorexic to keep losing weight and tell them they look great? No, you would tell him to get help. Yet we are encouraging people to mutilate themselves.
16. We are good people. Stop telling us how bad we are. We recycle and we give more to charity than any other country in the world. There was a world before me, and there will be a world after me. Yes, we are stewards of the land and pretty good ones. Please, stop preaching that the world will end if we don’t outlaw the internal combustion engine, end commercial air travel, and ban cows from breaking wind.
17. While capitalism might be flawed, it’s better than any alternative one could ever offer, and if these lunatics go after these companies and I own stock in them, aren’t they going after me too?
18. Wasn’t life more fun when you could say what you thought and did more or less what you wanted? Why are we listening to these fascist “cancel culture” imbeciles? And, why is the silent majority staying silent? We outnumber them, we outgun them, and we are allowing ourselves to take it up the proverbial tuchus.
19. I love this country. It has afforded me as an immigrant a life, sometimes beyond my wildest dreams. It’s not always perfect, and it’s very confusing, but that’s life; one big ball of confusion. Whoever said it wasn’t supposed to be? Oh, that’s right, the parents who are friends with their children, and the universities who are teaching them this course load of manure.
20 I love Trump! I find him to be crude and crass, but I trust him with the economy. I just wish he would stop tweeting. But at least he knows that there are mobile phones. He eats poorly sometimes, but at least he can feed himself. Trump may be thin-skinned, but Joe Biden’s brain is thin.
And now your phone rings. You answer. Uh oh. It’s a pollster.
He asks if you are planning to vote for President Trump. Of course not! you say. Do you support Black Lives Matter? Of course! you say. Not only are you a supporter, but you’re also a champion of the cause. Black lives matter. Trans lives matter. All . . . whoops, nevermind that one. You’re actually kneeling during the conversation, you add.
Then the pollster asks who you think your neighbors will vote for in November. Without missing a beat, you answer: Trump. Totally.